How desperate are you?

I know I was desperate as the food was completely controlling me.  I was ready even though I had known for years I was powerless over food and food behaviors (restricting, exercising obsessively)

What I heard at my first meeting?

The “Overeaters Anonymous Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions”, Step One, was read and I started to cry as I could completely identify and it helped me to realize that I was sick, I had a disease that was not MY FAULT!  What a revelation this was for me.

“Keep coming back, it works when you work it”  Since I committed to my counselor who suggested I attend OA (even though I was there because I was cut to part time at my full time job and was devastated emotionally). She asked me if I could stop eating once I started and I confessed (for the first time) that I could not stop binging on food at night.  She suggested I attend at least six meetings because, at the first meeting I may not “get out of the car.”  

 “You don’t have to go home and eat,” she (the one who I thought was the leader and expert of the Overeaters Anonymous) said to me as she hugged me after the 7pm Monday meeting.  It never occurred to me that I could do that as I was a nighttime binge eater.  I didn’t eat that night but I also did not sleep.  The next morning I was back to my old ways of eating and read all the pamphlets in the newcomer packet I was given at that first meeting.  But, the next Tuesday, after my second attendance at the 7pm Overeaters Anonymous Monday meeting, I got out “Dignity of Choice” and selected the first suggested food plan – three healthy balanced measured meals.  I was desperate and followed the directions.

 I also heard “Let this be enough food” at the meetings which I then applied that first day of abstinence.  I felt the first two meals were very large (as I restricted more during the day) and my evening meal looked like it wouldn’t even feed a small bird.  (Of course that was my disease telling me that.  The lie the illness told me over and over was it was not going to be enough). So, again I followed the directions I had heard at those first Overeaters Anonymous meetings. I said “Let this be enough” over and over and over until I took that last bite and the obsession was lifted.  Just like that!  I was a true miracle.  God truly did for me what I could never do alone.  I felt ease, serenity and I WAS able to sleep that night.  So I decided to get up the next day and try it again.  

Since that first meeting…..

It’s been over eleven years now taking it one day at a time.  I decide each morning that I am powerless over my food and food behaviors and that only God can do it for me.  Then I take the next right action, follow my food plan (which has changed over the years as directed by a dietician). I exercise with God and I’m more gentle to my body.  I report my food and exercise to my sponsor daily which helps me to let it go and not be obsessed with it or worried about it, which is what my disease wants me to do.  I’m feeling more and more comfortable in my own skin. God has me at a healthy body weight for me today.  My relationships with myself and others have greatly improved. I’ve worked all the steps and continue to do so daily.  I work with others as I cannot keep what I have unless I give it away. (My first sponsor had me work with others right away after the completion of the first three steps).  I do service work – like writing this story, email, text others in recovery and newcomers.  I read two pages of the Alcoholic Anonymous book daily (as I heard that at my first meeting as well). I write daily gratitude lists and share them with others in the fellowship.  I read Overeaters Anonymous meditation books and other literature daily and attend Overeaters Anonymous meetings daily.  The promises in the Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book are coming true.  

Today I have a healthy fear of relapse as I have a deadly progressive disease – a physical allergy with a mental obsession – that can only be helped though working this 12-step recovery program daily in Overeaters Anonymous.  I know I’m not alone, I know I’m not unique – I’m just like you – powerless over food and food behaviors.  Together we get better.  May I always remain teachable and keep working it just for today.  

Thank you for letting me share. 

OA hugs and love always,

“Kim B.”